Have you tried to fight back and overcome this fear after it controlling you for so many years?
I grew up never really thinking I was good enough. I have lived most of my adult life that way as well.
I have gone through so many different life dreams that I pushed away thinking there was no way I could ever accomplish that.
Why?
Well let me tell you what I thought:
"I don't have the equipment to make that work, and no one would want things from a lesser quality."
"I have no training for something like this and going back to school is so expensive and hard with all these kids to feed and take care of"
"I have some talent in this area, but there are so much more people I know who can do it so much better, it would be pointless to even try."
And the list goes on and on and on.
And of course, there comes looking at my value and feeling like I deserve to do or have things.
Some of my most popular excuses for that was:
"I am a Mom, and my kids and husband come first, one day there will be time for me."
"I couldn't possibly do or have that because it would take it away from someone who deserves it more"
Or the most come one... "I am not worth it."
Then I had a wake-up call. My Sister passed away.
She was 4 days away from turning 38. We had crossed off a few of her bucket list items, but her own self-doubt had held her back. She didn't do much for herself, and she second-guessed her abilities to do the things she wanted. We never know when things will end.
I have actually been very depressed about it since.
It took a year after her passing before I could actually begin to breathe again, but I miss my best friend so much.
I just kept trying to keep life going as usual, but I was just faking it.
I would volunteer when I could because that helped, but I still felt like a walking zombie most days. I can't even remember how I made it through most of them. Just that I kept my family and myself alive during it.
It is funny how hard grief can hit you, like a punch in the gut that just takes your breath away and you can't seem to catch it again. I couldn't even find joy in taking pictures anymore.
One of the things that kept me going was knowing I did not want to have my life on Earth end with me not having tried to accomplish some of my dreams. I was a zombie, but I had learned I was worth taking care of myself and doing the things I wanted. I feel blessed for that.
So in February, I turned 40.... Yep 4 decades old.
What do I have for those 40 years?
I have 6 amazing children ranging in age from 19 to 9. They have all worked through these past few years in their own way with their own struggles and yet are still so strong. I look at them sometimes and wonder how I am so lucky that they are mine.
I have a crazy life out on a property I share with my stepdad that we own. No mortgage payments, no rent, just a crazy life full of challenges that make it interesting. I have the most amazing neighbors who are there even if someone does something stupid. It is the type of community I have always wanted my kids to live in.
I have a husband who is willing to travel back and forth to work an hour each way at crazy times in the morning, and in the winter time, live in town away from his family to make sure he is able to support us the best he can.
I now work for a guy who I use to volunteer for. He is full of energy, and it inspires me to find my energy again. He finds things I can do at home for work because I still need to be here for the kids. I am part of a team and feel so honored that he could see my possibilities enough to bring me aboard. I have met some crazy cool people, and done some unbelievable things already with him, it is just getting started.
I have the best friends anyone could ask for. Even when we haven't talked or seen each other for years, I know they are they for me. They always seem to know when I need a boost because I will get a call or a message. I am the worst for keeping in contact with them as I get lost in my life, but they never forget me.
I am blest with a super family and extended family. They had taken care of me when I wasn't sure I could take care myself. They have been the rock that has held me up when I couldn't stand anymore.
I am truly grateful for a church that gives me the knowledge that I will see my sister again, but where she is and that she is loved. I can not imagine how much worse the heartbreak would be without knowing that. On top of that, it ensures that there are people here to lift my spirit when it feels like the bottom is falling out. I always know that someone is there and I never feel alone.
Without these things and much more, I can not even begin to fathom how dark and painful this past year and a half would have been. I still feel the pain of the loss, but never completely was lost in it. My heart breaks for those who are chronically there because of their mental illness. You are some of the strongest warriors this earth has to offer. You fight every day to live and win only to start the battle over again the next day. You are my Heros.
So this year I am focusing on building myself up. Teaching myself what I am truly worth.
I am working with my Doctor on what I can not do on my own.
I have got a fantastic job working for a wonderful guy as mentioned above. He has been understanding as I learn the ropes and make mistakes. My head is panicking that I have lost him business and I panic. Usually, it is not near as bad as I have made it in my head, and slowly I am gaining more confidence. He may never know exactly how grateful I am for his belief in what I can do.
I have a delightful visiting teacher who is a very talented Massage Therapist. She is someone I am comfortable with, and so for the first time in my life, I have been getting massages. It has brought a lot of my hidden pain to the surface. Stuff I have ignored for years. She is magically and so very kind.
I have started taking classes to learn skills I have always wanted to know, I have completed a basic Photoshop class, currently looking into a Social Media in Business class.
And the biggest change is that I am letting people help me with things now, so I am not so overwhelmed.
I have a long way to go to even get back to where I was before my Sister was first diagnosed, but I now feel like I can do it.
I just need to remember to believe in myself.
