I have been going through a lot of difficult, upsetting things these past few months and a crazy work schedule in the middle of it all and it made me realize one thing....
Food has been there through it all.
The boring hours at work.
The busy times at work.
The sad times.
The happy times.
Anytime for any reason, any feeling there is a food for that.
When you don't have time or a way to cope with everything else in your life you can always grab some kind of food.
Good for you food.
Bad for you food.
It doesn't matter what kind of food, it is there for you.
This makes me think back to a play I did in high school for the drama convention Shed the Mask.
I wonder if they still get the schools together for that.. it was a great experience.
Anyway I had a small part in our school play talking about a french fries and other food and the pit falls of being on a diet.
I didn't get it then, the food thing.
It didn't make sense to me as I never turned to food then for anything.
I didn't get the diet thing because I had never dieted.
Oh I wasn't happy about the way I looked (foolish)
But i had soooo much more to worry about that I chose not to think about that one.
I never went for the guy I liked through high school because of everything I was going through and how I looked and I figured he had so much of a better life that why would he even want to look at me.
I was so screwed up with the way I felt about relationships that the first time an amazing guy showed interest in me I had no idea of how to act and after just 2 days we were no longer together.
I was so scared of life.
My wish is he knows how much I wish I could of been the person he thought I was, because he was so amazing, and still is.
But still through all of that I never turned to food for comfort.
I did love good food though, don't get me wrong.
And hey Butter Pecan Icecream still makes me smile after one weekend with my friends Ruth and Crystal.
It was something to enjoy but not to be over done.
When did that change for me?
When did it become the thing I turned to first when I am sad instead of talking to my friends?
When did it become so important in my life that when I want to celebrate something I go to it first?
When did I become that girl from the play?
I could pretend and be anything I wanted except for the lover of food and now I can't imagine what it would be like without that food.
We have to eat right.
It's not like it is something I can give up and never touch again.
The worst part is there are foods that are sooo good for you and why wouldn't you use those for comfort, it doesn't have to be cake and brownies or all those sweets, but apples and grapefruit and salads.
I have blogged a lot about food.
I am a good cook, and my kids are growing into good cooks and we share that together alot.
I mean there are 3 meals in a day where I can get some one on one time with the kids as I teach them something new to cook.
I have to do it anyway so use that time well.
My kids have an AMAZING metabolism and can eat anything and look great.
They get it from their dad.
I don't have that same blessing.
I have a very rare problem thanks to my ancestors.
When the rest of the world is starving when the food runs out I will survive.
I had a doctor once tell me that I come from good healthy peasant stock... but that created a fight or flight reflex in my body when I had so many kids close together.
When other can melt away the fat I keep gaining in prep for the next famine... even if I have never been in a famine.
Ahhhh to live back in Michelangelo's time when big was sexy and admired.
Wonder every so often if I could go back in time for just a few days.
Maybe I could be one of those lovely ladies he painted.
Now of course we know the health risks involved and know we shouldn't look like this.
However, I do and now I turn to food to?
Why?
That seems crazy right?
It is crazy.
But its always there.
When the hubby is at work and the kids are screaming at you for this and that, it is there.
When you feel like dieing inside because things are happening that you have no control of, it is there.
When your best friends live 12 hours away or are longer are talking to you for reasons you don't know about, it is there.
No matter what, food is there.
So what do you when you don't want food to be there for you anymore but when you look around there isn't anything else?
I don't know yet, but I am sure one day I will figure it out.
1 comment:
I hear you. I had a relatively healthy relationship with food when I was a kid, loved vegetables, loved salads, I even loved tofu. Then I developed anorexia. It was my way of coping with life and all the stress and helplessness that was in it. I weighed in at around 80 pounds when I was 14. I learned to crave hunger like other people might crave food. I felt in control. I felt powerful about something.
Then I got into therapy, specifically for eating disorders. And I learned about nutrition and how much a body needs, long term effects of starving, etc. When a nutritionist came in and took plastic food and showed us the amount that should be eaten in a week I was appalled. I would've eaten that amount in more like a month. But eventually I got better, though it took years not to fall back into not eating during times of major stress.
Then I had my kids. After Elijah, I dropped major weight. I walked a lot, I was busy, I didn't eat very much. I weighed what I weighed at 16 again, less than I did when I got pregnant. Kaine... with Kaine I craved chocolate like I never have before in my life. I gained 65 pounds during that pregnancy. When he was born I still couldn't stop the sweets, and I've never been THAT big on sweets. Particularly chocolate. I always hated pastry, suddenly I loved it. Getting the weight off was harder, and 6 years later I'm still working at it. Some of it is genetics, I'm not getting any younger.
But I can't seem to get a healthy relationship with food. Where food is fuel, and maybe enjoyment, maybe a treat here and there, moderation. It's all or nothing to me. It's hard. Food IS comforting. It makes your brain happy. It's a dependence, it doesn't judge, doesn't talk about you, doesn't give unwanted advice. It's always there.
Funny as it sounds, the only thing that makes me stop eating so much is to feed other people. I love cooking and baking, as you know.. when I spend my time doing that I don't have time to eat too much. It makes me happy to see other people enjoying my work, especially my family. I saw something recently that said rather than trying to deprive yourself, try adding in healthy things. Add more and more over time and eventually it will crowd out the bad food. And it's a matter of breaking the habit. Finding something else to comfort you, making a plan, reminding yourself to do something different. And moderation! Have a treat. Have some cake. Have some chocolate. Just not all the time. Dark chocolate is very good for you and not at all fattening. Eating some of that a day is supposed to be as heart healthy as red wine.
Course I say all this but I still struggle. I know it's not easy.
Post a Comment