Weigh-In Wednesday and being OK

Well This has been a crazy bad, dare I say it.. Like living in a Horror Movie kind of week.

Wow! What could of happened to make me say that you ask?

Well Let me tell you.

If you remember a few months ago I had talked about my daughter liking to go for walks on her own and just leaving the house.

Well it hadn't happened in about 3 months so we had thought we had solved the reason for her doing that with enrolling her into Daycare 3 days a week so she could meet new friends.

Actually we have solved that reason the problem I have now is that she still thinks that because she has brothers who can go on walks alone that she also can do that. She doesn't see the world as a dangerous place and of there is something scary out there well she is brave enough to face it because her brothers taught her not to be scared.

It is not a bad thing EXCEPT that means she does see strangers as something she should fear.

So last Thursday we had a problem.... not just a problem my worst nightmare come true to a point.

Seriously my worst nightmare ever since Ben was born was that I would turn my back for a second and when I turned back I would see the toys the kids were dealing with laying on the ground with the sound of a car squealing off. I always wake-up crying with that one.

I was having it less and less as the Boys grew older and I learned to trust them. They would never even consider getting into a strangers car let alone talk to them. Sam would be heard for blocks upon blocks if someone he didn't know ever tried to touch him.

When Claudia came along I kept her close to me because she is cute but I also had become accustom to a comfort level with my fears as well that my kids knew and understood the dangers because I had taught them well. So the first time Cloe took off on her own for a walk I had a moment but sat down and talked to her and tried not to panic about it. Then it happened again and I freaked out inside but tried to keep calm while I dealt with the situation. Then not once more but twice more it happened again. I called in reinforcements by this point because I had no idea how to handle this problem. They helped get Cloe set up in daycare and she no longer went looking for friends to play with. It was nice for the short time we had that peace of mind.

So like I said this past Thursday what I thought had been solved turns out it has not.

I had told Cloe that we were going to help out at the younger boys school that day handing out fruit and veggies (this being one of her days home with me). She was so excited but upset when those boys walked to school with Josh and his friend Jake. She wanted to go with them but I told her we had to wait and drive Ben to school since he had a late morning getting his papers delivered.

I put her coat and shoes on her when we were ready to leave and then turned around to get $5 out of my purse for Ben for lunch that day. When I turned back to say it was time to get in the van she was no longer in the room. We checked the house as the front alarm didn't go off but no sign of her so we checked the yard and nothing so I checked up and down the streets and still no sign.

Ben stayed in the house in case Cloe appeared from somewhere we had missed looking while I drove the route the kids take to walk to the school and she wasn't there. I am panicking at this moment when I drove up to the house and the phone started to ring.

It was the little kids school calling to let me know that She was there!

Before I could ask how they told me that an old administrator had seen her walking and picked her up and dropped her off at the school knowing it was a safe place for her.

I am so grateful it was a good person that picked her up but the fact that she got into a car with a stranger willingly has had me tied in knots since then. I haven't slept hardly at all because the nightmares are even more intense than they ever were with her body being found thrown in a park and all. I wake-up unable to breath.

I haven't hidden it well but still tried to do the best I could for the kids.

Well that leads to me emotionally eating so that I can feel better for a little while.

So last night I decided that this was eating me inside.

I AM NOT OK!!

I had the worst summer ever where I almost lost Tommy to some dumb parasite.

Spent most of it locked in my house after that with 6 kids desperate to go do something.

It cost us thousands of dollars to deal with and we are still paying for those cost with the temporary shut down of our cell phone plan and eating very basic of foods.

I almost lost my daughter to her fearless nature and rosey view of the world

and you know what..

it is OK to not be OK!

I am aloud to feel like crying all the time right now as I work through everything.

I am aloud to want to scream with terror at the thought of what I almost lost these past few months.

I am aloud to be frustrated as I deal with the financial cost of all of this.

I am aloud to feel hurt by those that I thought would be here to help me and weren't

I am most of all aloud to feel NOT OK.

So today my thing I keep telling myself it is OK to NOT be OK.

With that said I am not going to stop taking care of myself while I go through this as that is something I think would keep me down and so I am working on keeping the emotional eating down this next week and find something physical to do instead. Hmmm wonder if I can find a cheap punching bag and take up boxing for the next little while. Something I can put in the corner of my room and take everything I am feeling out on.

So I did in fact weigh myself today because no matter what I don't need to hate myself for dropping this again. so here we go...

I actually lost weight through all of this.

Yep I weighed in at 314 this morning.

So that is a loss of 4.8 lbs from last week.

Not much but still better than a gain. I will take it and it will be my start at finding something good to start this next week off with.

How did your week go? I truly hope it was better than mine.

Here is a picture of a painting I did a few months back to cope with the stress of the first times Cloe escaped and when she did her thing to my project. I think it displays it all.