Day 26

I can't help but continue to feel sad today. It's not that today was bad or that I was over whelmed with anything. As a matter of fact it was a very relaxing day. There were no flower deliveries so I didn't have to rush off anywhere, Mike let me sleep in and even made me breakfast in bed but I just couldn't shake the blues. I ate without caring what I was eating or counting what it was worth until of course now when I decided that I couldn't let myself down like this just because I am feeling down. I just wish I could shake this feeling. Is it because Mike is going back to work on wednesday and the freedom he offered me while he was home this past year will be gone? Is it because my birthday is coming up, or that my baby turns one this month? Maybe it is that Ben turns 11 in 2 days and it makes me feel a little older? Maybe I am just missing my girlfriends back in Alberta, my best friends who have shared in most of my good and bad things but can't be here for this journey. Not that I don't have great friends here that I cherish with all my heart but sometimes you just need those friends around who have been there since it seems like the world began. Maybe it is all of it at once or none of it at the same time. I just can't settle it down which makes it harder to fix. How do you make yourself feel better when you are not sure why you feel bad to begin with?? Maybe I am just missing my Grandma who's birthday is the same day as Ben's and I just need to feel sad right now so that I can be happy when the 2nd rolls around. I think I will keep track of what I eat but I am not going to put too much pressure on myself during this time to make sure that I am perfect that was I can get back on track easier as I start to get better. I knew it would be hard when I went through tough times... I just need to focus on something positive right now and that will be the fact that I am keeping track and still writing here. Plus I have lost 13.1 pounds and that is great. I have a wonderful family with great kids and I will be okay. Yep I will be okay and I will keep reminding myself of that when it seems hopeless.

Test

Ok I am playing around on my blog trying to get a few ideas on how to make it more interesting for me to do and maybe for you to read... more for me as I think I have let myself become bored with it and that will not help with my goals.... so here goes the testing.....Play Emoticon


Play Wink

Day 24 and 25

Okay I started posting 24 last night and fell asleep on the keyboard so I am redoing it with todays where I don't have a million OOOOO's to delete LOL!

So yesterday I had an okay day but had to get past the worst junk food craving I have ever had, including when I was pregnant. Mike had picked up some lunch size chips for the kids at school and when I took a look at them each bag was worth 4 points and so I had a few with Tommy and the craving is gone. I was still able to stay with in my points and that is good.

As for today I have been having an emotional problem. I have been feeling sad all day and I am not 100% sure why. I haven't really wanted to eat much but I feel hungry all the time. I ate my food and still felt hungry and of course we have discovered I am an emotional eater so feeling hungry all the time and not wanting to eat has led me to snacking food. Now I have been pretty good, but I did go over my points a little because I enjoyed a Sugar Cookie made by Josh who was practicing for his valentines he is making for his friends. And of course I have chocolate chips for when I make some cookies for snacks. And even though I wasn't too bad I feel almost worst now because I feel like I let myself down. I have missed 2 posts and I seem to have stepped backwards. Maybe it is the birthday blues... maybe stress and feeling over whelmed as I deal with my sister asking to be able to stay here longer and I am not sure if the strain on the utility bills can handle it. Of course while this is going on Mike heads back to work on Wednesday which will mean I will be going back to handling this all on my own and with my camera broken my one way for creative expression that I could do during this crazy life of mine is gone. Then I read back on my thoughts and feel like I am a whinny brat who is selfish and wanting new toys like a camera when there are more important things that I need. Ugh this crazy emotional rollercoaster I seem to put myself on. Ok... I am going to shut my head down some how and go to sleep.... wish me luck.

Day 23 and good news

So today is Wednesday and the day that my mom does her weigh in at the local weight watchers group because she needs the actual human boost every week to keep this going. If that works for her great, everyone is different. The thing is that she does not like to go alone and needs that little extra support and even though I am a paid online member I can not go sit in on the group lessons. So today she paid so I could go with her and since I am paying might as well use their scale and I found out that my sisters scale that I used yesterday because my mom was out of town is off ( even if it is digital) because I lost an extra 2.6 making my total this week 5 pounds and my total loss in the past 3 weeks up to 13.1 pounds!!! I am so excited!!! I celebrated with a night out at a Mary Kay party where I had a mini glam makeover. I don't like the mascara but the rest is really nice. No matter how good the products it felt good to be on the right track still. I didn't even really munch on the goodies because I felt so good. I split a butter tart with another person so that I wouldn't want one anymore. I have more hope that I might be able to lose the weight this time. I got back into walking today and I think next week will be just as good. Well off to wash all this stuff off my face and head to bed. A good night sleep would be great as I did not get one the night before.

Day 22

Okay so if anyone knows their numbers they noticed I missed day 21.... well I got lost in the TV movie "The Last Templar" and when it was over I crashed in bed and didn't think about my post until this morning but didn't have time as I was working in the flower shop this morning helping out with the arrangements while Sharon is out of town. I had a blast in the shop and I think my arrangements turned out ok although I was stressed about if I was putting to many flowers in for the value ordered or if I wasn't putting in enough. I think I will put more effort into learning that part of the flower business.

Anyways for those math buffs out there yes today was also weigh in day. Actually you don't need to be a math buff. just a Biggest Loser fan and you would know that today is the day I weigh myself as well. So do I drag it on and make everyone wait until the end to find out what my week was like or just jump to it...... ok I am jumping... Literally jumping!!! My weight today is 309lbs meaning my weeks loss is 2.4 lbs and my total to date is 10.4 LBS!!!!!! I love that I have hit that mark already and that so far I have not gone into the panic mode. I have been taking exercise slower than I use to and I don't know if that is good or not but I am going to be picking that up more this week. I think my goal will be to make sure I do my walking everyday but to also get 30 minutes hard work in on the Wii. I am excited that maybe this time things are going to be different. This time I might be able to reach my goals... It makes me happy and more motivated. Maybe I don't need the biggest loser ranch after all.

Well my nightly wake-up call has come early. Poor little Cloe is teething hard and just can't sleep through it even with pain killers. My heart aches for her right now. I wish I could make it better.

Day 20

So I had a good day. I did go over my food points but I had planned for that with having breakfast out as the end to my date with my hubby. I am glad that it still seems to have gone so well with the planning I did a head of time. I really don't have much to say today as I said a lot earlier when I had to repost day 19. I am hoping that I get another good night sleep tonight but not expecting it since we are back home with the kids.

Day 19 redone :o)

So I am here in our hotel room after a really good night sleep for the first time in a long time. I have my sisters little notebook so I wasn't having to take my bigger one for doing my weight watchers tracking or my blog post so that even with a night out I don't fall short of my goals. Well she has been having troubles finding the right keyboard language so that she can use the right keys and if you look at the post I tried last night some funky letters came up. I spent some time this morning and I think I have fixed her problem.... we will have to wait and see but I can post so that is good.

So yesterday was a long day. I was so excited about going out that it seemed to me that everything was taking for ever and that the minutes were hours. The kids seemed extra whinny and I thought for sure I was going to lose my mind before I could even get to the evening. I was extra careful with what I ate making sure that I would be able to eat what I wanted at our dinner and show. I wanted to make sure I would be able to enjoy the evening without any worries and it worked. We went to dinner with friends where I was able to enjoy steak and baked potato with all the toppings and then we headed over to the Waddling Duck for a night of Improv and dessert. I had the best brownie and ice cream treat and laughed until my entire body ached. It was soo much fun and not once did I have to worry or even think about how all of this would effect my goals because I had preplanned for it. It was GREAT!! The next Improv night is in March and I am looking forward to going again and enjoying myself more because I know I will be fine. I am actually looking forward to my weigh in this week because after a bad week last week and the struggles I went through I have done 100% better this week.

Ok I have done better with the food.... exercise that is a whole different matter. Trying to find the time between all I do to fit in the extra exercise has been hard. I didn't make it for most of my walks with Sandy so far and that makes me sad. I am hoping that with a better plan in place that we can fix that problem for next week and start really getting ourselves on track. For now I am going to pack up our stuff (the great part of being in a hotel in the same city you live.... not much luggage) and get ready to head home so we can get the kids and ourselves ready for church. I want to sent a big thanks out to Tami for giving us this night. It really means a lot to have you as a sister who is willing to do things like this.. even when it involves 8 kids ;o)

Day nineteen

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Day 18

Well I am really late posting tonight but I enjoyed a night out with the girls doing some scrapbooking. I made a cute little new album that I will be giving to my Mother-in-Law for Valentines day. But I cam back late and couldn't get on my own computer for posting because it was put away in the room where Cloe is sleeping and I am hoping she sleeps through the night tonight. I did enjoy a handful of party mix that was made up for snacking there, but I was smart and planned for it and I did not go over my food points for the day. I have been doing my best to be good with that this week especially because tomorrow I have a date night with my hubby to go to a local restraunt and watch an improv show. I am soooo excited and I want to be able to enjoy some of the apps they will have there. I have even gone as far as checking out the menu for the place today and make sure that I know what they serve and what the guess for the points value for those foods are. I think I am prepared for my date night and that will take a lot of the stress away so I can enjoy the evening. I think a good night sleep will help as well. So I am going to head off to bed and dream (hopefully) of both. Have a good one!

Day 17

Well I am beat and should be in bed during this brief moment I actually have all my kids sleeping for the first time in the past week, but if I don't keep up with posting everyday here then I will have a greater chance of letting myself slide when it comes to the rest of my goals.

Today has been a very long day, We had 5 sick kids out of 6, flower deliveries in a car that someone vandalized the trunk lock too so we couldn't use the keys to open it and the auto locks fuze blew, and among other things I had to do Cubs today as well. I was so tempted to just call it off but I was glad that we didn't since we had a local CPR nurse in the ward come in and teach the boys. She will be returning next week so they will have their first aider badge. I took pictures and videos on my cell phone because my other camera has decided to really die instead of think about dieing. It was an interesting challenge to stay on track with all these things but I managed and that is good.

Now if I could say the same about sleep. I am use to not having much sleep but it does still slow me down and I have noticed that I am not getting in my exercise this week. I did however make plans to have the the other cub leader I work with help me find a good workout. She is into high training so I am sure she cn help me find the right stuff while keeping it interesting and free.

Well I am going to try and get some sleep even if it does end up being 5 minutes.. better than zero right ;o)

Day 16.. shopping day

So today was grocery shopping day and I am sure I will regret later the amount of money I spent on food when I have so many other bills to pay but I really needed to get healthier choices for me here in the house. The problem I have with that is if the government and all these companies want us to be healthier people and lose weight so we don't burden the economy (Not something I have had to worry about yet... knock on wood) then why price the healthy food choices so much higher than the regular? How is a family of 8 people suppose to survive on 2/3 of the food we normally spend if we get healthier stuff? Spending more isn't always an option, we don't have more. So how are we suppose to change for the better when the better is too much money? No wonder why there are more people over weight in the lower income bracket... they don't have any choices. It's is great to us all to eat the lean ground beef but when regular beef is half the price and we can feed our kids for 2 weeks instead of 1 why would we choose to risk starving our kids for health. Isn't a mothers instinct to first preserve the life of her young over her life? Yes the kids need their mother around so then the catch comes in on how to solve this problem. Save the kids and risk the health of the mom or save the mom and risk the health of the kids. Now there are people who may read and not understand what I am talking about because they have never had to struggle like this, and there are others who will completely understand where I am coming from. I don't want to be a rich family that has it all because I think we would lose a lot of what we have now as a lower income family, but I want the government and those who sell our food to regulate the cost of this all so that I don't have this kind of dilemma to face. I love having healthy choices for my kids, I insist upon it but those choices have caused us to go through periods where we only have rice and hamburger in the house for a week to live off of and pray that we get enough money the next week to get us through. Fresh vegetables are such a treat for us most times because the cost of getting them is so high. When we have them I love farmers markets and get great deals and eventually I want a large garden of my own to help save on cost, but when you don't have that and you can't buy enough during the times there are around so that you can have a supply then you do what you can. As I type this part of me can't help but to think that I am failing my kids when I can't get them those things that they need and I am failing them as well by not being the best I can be health wise. I don't know if there is a winning situation here for me. I know I am not a failure in my head but my heart doesn't always agree and tonight is one of those nights when I am struggling with it. I have the healthy food in the house today so that I can accomplish the healthier mother and the kids will have what they need, but will it be enough to last through until the next shopping day? I don't know. Even being as thrifty as I am, I don't know and that scares me. But on the bright side even though I am having these feelings of doubt I did not go over my eating allowance and I stayed on track. So this is the point I am going to focus on tonight when I go to sleep so that I start getting the negative thoughts out of my head and I will deal with the problems as they come and not build them up before they arrive... if they arrive.

Day 15 .... and the results are....

Okay so nerves aside I did the weigh in and even though I had a really bad food week I still lost *Big sigh of relief* It isn't much but I will take it. I am down to 311.4 which means I lost 1.6 pounds this week. I kinda feel like I am following Biggest loser tradition with a low second week, but really I only have my complete lack of will power to blame. So I watched this weeks show I am all pumped up although Mad that Joelle is still on, but Black team has a good strategy.... get rid of the threats while they can. She did pull up her socks a little this week so I am hoping for big things next week.

Also as promised I did do my measurements today. I think these numbers are uglier than my weight... I just have never felt like I looked like the numbers show... is that good or bad? I don't know. Okay before I keep going here they are:

Bust - 54 1/2"
Waist - 53 5/8"
Hips - 63"!!! (I blamed having kids on that one ;o) )
Arms - 18"
Thighs - 29"

So there they are and like I said I never saw myself that size. I have been told the key to weight loss is being able to see yourself thin, but maybe it was my lack of being able to see how big I was getting that helped get me here. I think this topic is up for serious debate. I do think that now I have my water back in place ( and working on getting more than 2 extra bottles in the house) I will be on better track this week and have better numbers next week. Oh and before anyone jumps, I am not expecting Biggest Loser numbers, just ones that give me more hope. I would like to be at least 3 pounds or more. I think that will help me reach my goals for the summer.

Well it is late, I was up reading some of the new books I bought today with the wonderful gift card my hubby gave me for Christmas. It is so nice to have something to read again.

Oh and before I forget, I did not get my art project completed :o( I did the lesson and I have a good start on the final piece for sending in, but it is an exercise in accuracy so I think that is making me go a little slower than I normally would so that I can get the best grade I can. I will keep you posted as to when I get that finished and maybe even take a picture to post.

Have a good night all

Day 14 and I am nervous

So tomorrow is my weigh in day and I am really scared at what the results are going to be with how bad of a week I had this time. It started out well but I lost it half way through. I didn't get my exercise in for the day and of course you already know I blew my other points from the workouts during the rest of the week. I wish I could see into the furture so I could ease my mind a little but I can't so I wait... oh the agony they must go through on the biggest loser every week waiting for weigh in day. However as on edge as I am about that I had a really good day food wise and will now get the chance to sit down with a big bowl of low fat buttered popcorn with my hubby and enjoy a movie. Which one or kind I don't know yet. As for my other goal, I have started my final drawing lesson 1 with my art class but it is a lesson on accuracy so it is driving me nuts trying to make sure I have it right. I am hoping I will have it done and sent off by the end of tomorrow but I am not so sure right now. We will have to see how that goes. Well off to movie night. Wish me luck for the weigh in.

Day 13 and I am not having a good day

I have had an incredibly bad day with my emotions running rampant and that means that my eating went from being controlled to out of control. All the hard work I out in to earning my activity points and trying to leave them alone so I would have that to keep me grounded for the next way in is gone. I struggled today with financial news that has made my head spin around and around. You see I am one of those people who get insomnia because my head doesn't know when to shut off. I have done many relaxation exercises and such but never been able to get it under control enough to be able to go to sleep when I want to when I have things that could be or are stressful to me. Doctors have wanted to put me on sleep medication for it but I was pregnant or breast feeding so it was not an option. Even now that I am not I don't feel it is an option because I still have kids that wake up in the middle of the night and they can not have 2 parents that are dead asleep. So I have been sitting here under the torture of my head going over and over everything and the more the circle goes the more I grabbed comfort food to eat and the more I grabbed to eat the worst I felt about it but couldn't feel like I could stop because my head wouldn't stop. Even now it is spinning out of control and the only thing keeping me sane at the moment is entering today's post. I must sound like some crazy person right now and who knows I probably am. I just can't stand the constant feeling of needing to cry because things are not in a great place and that makes me want to eat. Then to top it all off I have been drinking bottled water for 11 years plus now because when I am pregnant I am allergic to something that they put in the tap water. Well I had hoped that I would be fine now since that is not suppose to be able to happen again so for the past few days I have been drinking water from the tap to try and save money and not refill our water bottles. I was wrong. These headaches I have been having I noticed got worse today after I had a cup of water and when I tried to drink a second I thought I would die. So I still have problems with tap water but that makes my head spin more because I have to budget in refilling the bottles while we are having the rest of these problems with finances. I want to find a time machine and go back just little ways so that i can prepare for today and make things a little better. Not have them be gone all together but maybe refill the bottles instead of experimenting so that I could handle the stress easier because I would have a clear head. I would have water I could drink instead of attacking the cookies I made for the kids lunches or checking out the leftover food. I knew there would be hard days and guess today was one of them I just need to look at tomorrow as a new day in regards to eating and try to find something that will help me refocus my mind so that I can get some rest and face the challenges tomorrow with a clear mind. So here is hoping to a good nights sleep.

Day 12 and One goal done.

I wish I could say that I finished my Art Course today but that would not be the goal I am talking about. Today I finally tweaked my cookie recipe so that I can enjoy it without killing myself or my food points for the day. I am thankful that I have been blessed with creative thought and the ability to problem solve. After making a test batch I am happy with the result and think it will be a good change for the kids as well. So here is the recipe in case you all want to try it out too.

Dee's Light Oatmeal and Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 lb light Margarine
1 cup white sugar (or splenda but I like the taste better and the nutrition value is not much different)
1/2 cup splenda Brown sugar (If you mix splenda eqully with brown sugar you only need to use half the amount you normally use in a recipe that calls for Brown Sugar)
4 large eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp salt
3 cups Multi Grain Flour (the brand I found was Robin Hood)
3 cups instant oatmeal
2 cups chocolate chips (any flavor you like or mix and match for different tastes)

Pre heat oven to 350*C
Cream the Margarine and the 2 kinds of sugars. Add in the eggs and vanilla and mix well. Mix the dry ingredients together and combine, mix well. Spoon out about a tablesppon of dough onto a cookie sheet between an inch or more apart and bake for 12 minutes. When they come out let cool for 2 minutes before moving and enjoying. If on weight watchers the point value for each cookie (with sugar or splenda) is 3 points. Makes almost 4 - 5 dozen

Hope these work out for you.. if they seem to spread in the oven you may want to add more flour to the dough.

Well I am off to play a game on the Wii with the kids before getting them in bed and then work on my Art.

Day 11 and I gave in to the cookie monster with in

Okay so I mentioned before that I make what I consider the best Oatmeal Chocolate chip cookies EVER and smart little me keeps a thing of made up dough in the freezer so that when we need cookies for lunches or the kids want to make a sweet snack they can. Now unfortunately I am addicted to these cookies and depending on how many we cook up with a batch they go for 4-5 points EACH!!! When I cook them just casually I can sit down and have 6 or more right our the oven with the soft gooey chocolate melting all over my fingers and making a big yummy sticky mess. Now I have worked on the recipe and have a few ideas on how to make it lighter but I haven't had the chance to go out and buy the supplies yet and tonight when Josh made up 2 dozen cookies I lost it and ate 4... that's right 4!!!! And with the size josh made them it used up 21.5 POINTS!!! So I have officially gone over my points by double what I am suppose to have each day just by enjoying cookies. Oh if only I had more self control when it comes to hot warm gooey cookies so that I could of at least stopped at one. So if I gain 20 pounds this week I am sure it will be all cookies and I can't say that I would really complain other than I am trying to lose it. I guess tomorrow I will have to buckle down with the recipe fix up so I can have my cookies and not feel guilty afterwards. I was great with my exercising today. I walked around the CN center and I moved boxes today to get some good movement in. I read some more in my Art lesson, but I need to find a quiet area to do the work.. I am starting to think I might be able to get that goal complete by next tuesday like I planned. Anyone have some suggestions on how to find a quiet place in a house of 10 people? That is the trick.. we have a small house with too many people and no free space. I wonder if I get some divders if I can create a small spot in my bedroom just for me... I don't know, something to think about. Well here I go to try and earn back some of these points I spent today with extra workouts on the Wii. Wish me luck.

Day 10

So today I just wanted to crawl into a deep dark cave by the end of the day and pretend I didn't have a head or exist. I felt like my head was going and still do feel like my head is going to explode. Now my day didn't start out that way. I woke up, worked with Sam on the rest of his homework and his spelling words now that they are giving them to him and got the kids off to school with a few problems along the way (some kids didn't walk properly on the way to school and were late) but all went good considering. I went to walk with Sandy at 10am with Thomas in tow who helped motivate us to walk faster and really get a good work out. I picked up lunch for the kids and dropped it off but it was while I was at the school that I could feel my headache coming on. By the time I drove the 6 blocks home I could hardly see and was sure I had jus had a bomb go off in my head. I tried to rest but that didn't work and finally had to take pain killers (I hate to take medication of any kind unless there is no other option). This all effected how I ate today... Not that I ate a lot of junk food, but that I didn't eat. Mike helped get food into me and keep me on track and I am so grateful that he is being so supportive. I went to cubs and enjoyed a few of the snacks we had for our welcome back to cubs/ post Christmas party as we were unable to do our party before Christmas due to illness. I came home and took a couple more pain killers and relaxed enough to be able to see the screen so I can post here but did not pull out my Art School supplies. I am hoping a good night sleep tonight will help me feel better tomorrow so I can get my schooling mostly done by the end of the day. I have to have the lesson in the mail by Monday to be able to say I completed that goal. Well off to bed and here's hoping to a full nights sleep.

Day 9

Okay... I spent over an hour on the Wii boxing and playing tennis while the the kids went to bed and I am tired. That is a workout and it is fun. I am hoping that since I am using it as part of my exercise everyday that I will actually get better than my kids.... Maybe not. Those darn little buggers (said with love and affection... really) Had that game down pat in under an hour. Even Tommy can roll a couple of strikes in bowling while I am stuck getting spares. HOW DO THEY DO IT!!! Anyways I have a dream of being first place before summer.... I think Ben is my biggest challenge, wish me luck.

As for everything else I think I managed to stay pretty good today except for the fact that when I cam upstairs from putting the kids to bed and doing my Wii exercise I found out that I still have 7 points to use up for the day. Now I am wondering, If I am really not hungry for them do I still have to use them? I enjoyed Roasted Chicken for Lunch and Chicken Fajita for dinner with spinach. I didn't have a dessert nor an evening snack, but I really don't want them tonight. Hmmm Maybe I will just leave it since I did end up going over by the end of the night yesterday as Candi for Crop Club had made up a batch of my cookies (I make the dough for her so she can freeze it) and brought them with her. I only had one but this is pre recipe touch-ups so 4 points for one tiny cookie. I had only one but killed myself when I took the chicken out of the oven when I got home and could not resist that fresh warm goodness. I was cooking them so that we could use the meat for lunches today. The kids love it when I do that. Tep I think that is what I will do.. just not worry about it.

As for my Art.... well I did manage to pull the box out that it was in and look at it briefly. I think I will do the Wii in the morning tomorrow so that I can do school at night. I think a good balance back and forth might help... of course that would mean turning off my thursday tv shows I usually watch after cubs.... actually maybe I will skip the Wii tomorrow and do my schooling in the morning since I will spending 1.5 hours with the cubs tomorrow night and if we play a lot of running games I can get my fitness in then. Ok set... run with cubs at night, art school in the morning. Now if everything else in life came that easy ;o)

Day 8 and the new weight......

So I am posting a little early tonight because I am heading out to a crop club for a couple of hours and I want to make sure I get this done. So today is Biggest Loser day and also my weigh in day. I like that I do this on Tuesdays because I have not only my good or bad news but also some inspiration to get me through the week. I have to admit that on tonight's show I was almost wishing that Joelle was the one going home because I am so disgusted in her lack of effort when there are people like me out here that would love to be in her place giving 200%!!! And then to be safe because the heaviest guy lost the challenge and has a 1 pound handycap and so he falls barely beneath her!!! He would of been safe if it wasn't for that... I am almost mad... She better take this as a wake-up call or she better be gone next week. I feel so sorry for Bob.

Ok that out of the way time to get on to my first week weigh in... so I started at 319.5 (as noted in the first post) and this week....(dramatic pause.. LOL) 313!!! I lost 6.5 pounds!!! I am so excited and pumped for this next week to keep this up!! I am going to keep this up. Get the exercise in more and keep better on track so that I can keep this going and pray that I don't hit the wall I have done in the past where my body panics and starts saving no matter what I do. I have faith that I can do it this time!!

I didn't get my measurements done today because apparently it was attacked by little hands and sissors so I need to go get a new. I will get that done next week then so that it can be added on to my tracking, plus it will help me know what new size to go shopping for this summer ;o)

As an extra note I have also included in ths weeks goals to get my first lesson finally completed in my art course I started last summer. I will keep posts about that this next week as well so that I can keep myself motivated and by next tuesday I will be putting it in the mail and starting on the next course and when I get my marks I will share them as well. I am going to be getting not only my body back but also my missing pieces so that I am a whole person when I finally accomplish my goals.

Well of to Crop club... note to self take some of my low point snacks so that I can fight the temptations of the sweets she always has out.

Day 7 the night before.....

So tomorrow I have to weigh myself and see how I have done for this first week. With all the ups and downs I am not expecting a big change. Plus I woke-up again not feeling well and so again I didn't make my own meals and such. I did watch the points better and did not go over today but I did not get the full portion of veggies in or drink all my water. I am sure tomorrow will be a better day in regards to feeling better so keeping on track will be better. Also tomorrow I am going to do my measurements so that every 2 weeks I can see if I have much change there as well... that might be what gets me through the low weigh loss weeks. I am going to start walking around inside CN center tomorrow as well with Sandy. It is free and that is a price I can afford right now and I am sure that it will help with everything. I can't wait for the snow to melt so that I can do my walking and get my bike out. But I need to look at what I can do now and this works. Ok.. my head is still light so this is a short post... also I just noticed that I am all over the place in my thoughts so I think I need some extra sleep... poking stick to get Mike up when kids call in the middle of the night here we come.

Day 6

So today I woke-up not feeling so well. I thought it must be because I was tired so I laid back down while my hubby attempted to watch the kids and let me sleep (the darn kids have sneaky ways of getting past dad and still coming into the room for all sorts of reasons... gotta love them). This caused me not to eat breakfast on time and when I got up I was still feeling like I was fighting against the sandman just to peek my eyes open so I grabbed a quick oatmeal bar and called it done. As the day progressed I was hoping to feel better but I have come to think that I might be catching one of the many colds the kids carry home with them from school. So my wonderful family did most of the cooking and the kids as wonderful as they are brought me snacks so that I would feel better. It started out as not being to bad but by the days end when my dinner was 11 points for just the casserole and that did not include any veggies on the side and I had very few points left I realized that being sick and losing weight don't really go hand in hand. I also realized how many junk food snacks we have in the house without planning it. Mike is the type of person who can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound so he eats what he wants and the kids are the same way. So I guess I never really thought about what I bought and had stored in the house. So many of the kids snacks that w grab for school have so much sugar in them and of course I love to bake so I almost always have a stock of cookies or something on hand. We have have a lot of dear friends who like to help us out so they drop off snacks and baked goods as well. as a matter of fact I have been killing myself this week trying to not dive into the box of Nanaimo bars in the freezer that the school gave us when it was donated to them from Costco. So take all that and what do you get when your family ( 10 year old and under) want to take care of you... a day that goes way over your points and doesn't quite fill in the veggie quota for the day. So now I guess I also need to begin a process of changing over all the foods in the house, and I think at the same time a lotof my favorite recipes (like my cookies) so that not only and I'm eating healthier but the whole family is. Maybe by doing this the kids will have a better chance of never having to go through what I am right now, especially little Claudia, and they will have better lives when they are grown. So tomorrow I will pick a small section of the snacks and take out what is not great and look up and write on my grocery list an alternative and I will work on fixing one recipe. Hmmmmm maybe if I plan to fix a recipe every couple of days and post them here, by the time I am done this program I will have a whole book worth of recipes that I can share with my friends and family for gifts. I guess this will also make me more concious of what I am cooking because for te most part I am a throw together kinda cook, so we have never really had many meals the same way twice. Mike is going to love this idea because it frustrates him when he goes to make one of his favorite foods that I cook and can't because there is no recipe to follow. I think tomorrow I will start with my cookies though. I am an Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookie fanatic and I truely believe mine are the best so to take that and make it healthier and still be great will be a fun challenge and a great way to keep my self from feeling deprived while I go through this change. Yep that is my plan for tomorrow... that and extra exercise from todays fall down.

Day 5

So maybe I might have stumbled across part of my metabolism problem and why my ancient genes kicked in. On Days like today when I am so busy between kids and work and everything else that goes on in this little world of mine I don't eat like I should. I didn't eat a big breakfast and I didn't have much for lunch until later on in the day and when super came around I still had over 2/3 of my points left! Now maybe that seems silly to some people who would be rejoicing about not haven eaten too many calories and such but that fact is that unless I eat an even amount of food each day I will not lose weight. I have never really kept track before so never noticed that there were times when I didn't eat much. No wonder my body feels it has to save up as much as it can for famines... I put it through mini ones all the time without realizing it. So here I am trying to fit a ton of points into the last part of my day, but not to do it all at once so that I get over full and then feel like I am starving and go over my points when it comes to my nighttime snack needs. It wasn't easy but I did it and now I am going to enjoy the last part of my points with a bowl of buttered popcorn and watch a good movie before bed. I am making the note that I need to be more aware of spreading my points out more evenly through the day while still having my night time goodies.

On the other side of good news today My friend went to her first meeting and she is going to be doing this with me. It is nice not to be alone in this. Not that I was really alone, my Mom is kind of doing it but she is the type that doesn't really follow the whole plan and keep track and I needed someone with me who is doing the whole thing. Thank-you Sandy for being such a great friend and here's to looking forward to good news two times a week, yours and mine.

Day 4 and I am better

So after the breakdown yesterday I really sat down and thought about what I was doing and thought about why this would bother me. Well I have decided that it is because I am trying to control my emotional eating and my emotions don't like that. I have never really had many other places to vent myself after the kids came along and I lost the time and space to do my artwork or many other things I use to do all the time. I miss dancing every weekend and feeling like a person rather than a "Mom" all the time. Not that I don't like being a Mom, I Love It, I just don't feel like some of myself survived the transition. I guess that is really what I am angry about.... not angry, Sad. I am not giving my family all I have to give because I lost some it. That is what I fighting to get back, me so that my family can have all of me. So today was a lot better day because I kept that in mind. It felt good to have tacos with the kids but to not go over board. It even felt good to reach for something else than the bag of chocolate sitting next to me when Things went bad tonight with the kids. I know I will get through this although I am sure I am going to have many more days like yesterday and I will have to start all over again. But for today I will enjoy my small triumph of this being the first day I didn't go over my point and have to use my extra... YAH ME!!!

Day 3 and I am Cranky

Okay I don't know if it is just me or if everyone goes through this but I am annoyed today at having to weigh and measure my food. Or that when I pulled a meal I had precooked before I had started this program so I couldn't remember what I had put in it so I wasn't able to figure out the points for the meal so while my family sat and enjoyed it I had to make a second meal for me. After a long day I didn't want to cook and by the time the kids were in bed I was mad and sat down with a box of ritz crackers (the whole wheat ones so I was still kinda being good) and the last of my Philly light cream cheese and dipped them like I would chips. I felt better at first but then mad that I had let myself lose that control for a minute. I figured out how many I had eaten and probably over estimated a little and tracked it but I can't stand the feeling of not having control or freedom at the same time. I know it will get better but how do I handle moments like I had today better until then so that I don't feel like I am falling? Anyone have a miricle out there for me to spare? Ahh... oh well I will make it through this and I have still not gone over my points for the week so I am okay and after this I am going to go have a boxing match with Mike on the Wii and work in some activity points so I can have some extra and even better about myself. I am not looking forward to tomorrow when I have to attend a function at the school with the MLA there and all those goodies as we start the cities Smart Start Programs for the little kids officially. Wish me luck.

Day 2

So I have come to decided that I am a Night time Eater/ Snacker. I think it must be because the house is quiet from the kids going to bed and I can finally focus on me. Now most days I end up missing meals during the day as I don't have time to think about hungry I am. Now I do with the program but Habits over 11 years have been formed and tonight even though I wasn't particularly hungry I felt like I needed to snack. I probably could of resisted more but at the meeting I went to with my Mom today (her car was in the shop and needed a ride so I joined in) they said you shouldn't fight those feeling that what the weekly points were for so I gave in a little to a few crackers with light cream cheese and 3 (yep only 3 ) mint Kisses. It was went I sat down at the computer and saw that I had forgot to put away one left over bowl of the chilli I had made for dinner sitting on the table I lost it and said that's it I am going to eat. so I had a second bowl of Chilli and I feel better now and no longer have that craving but I have only half my extra points left for the rest of the week. I think I need to either plan better so I have extra points for this time of night or try to get my body on a better schedule. So the at the end of the night I had used 50.5 points for the day and I am suppose to try to stick to 38. Thank heavens for the extra 35 for the week but I need to make sure I don't use them all at once if this is the way I am going to eating. Well off to Bed. I am hoping for a good nights sleep tonight so that I have more control over my body tomorrow, as I am sure sleep deprivision is probably one of the main causes in my body`s low balance.

So today is the start...

So I have been having troubles losing weight over the past almost 11 years, since I started having kids. After a total of 7 kids later (we adopted the first one out because his family was waiting for him) I have gained well over a hundred pounds from what I was in high school.

I have been to the doctor before about the weight gain because I am not an unhealthy eater for the most part and I have even done person training 3 times a week for an hour each time and I still gained weight. The Doctors have told me it is inherited that I have a low metabolism and there for my ancestors were "good healthy peasant stock" and they did not starve during famines but it makes for a hard time for me. They offered me drugs but I hate taking drugs if I don't have to. I was stuck with having to wait until I was done having kids and finished with breast feeding before they could do anything. So I am here at this point. No more kids for me and I want and need things to change. I have decided to start this out with a membership to Weight Watchers to see if getting things in control. I have chosen the online route as it forces me to record more and be more aware than meetings do plus I have more freedom on when to do weighing since my days are never the same twice.

As an added incentive to work hard and to keep track of my body and what I am doing to beat my "inheritance" I have decided to include my blog as my way of posting the good and bad of this next adventure. I will be looking good for August when we have my husbands next family reunion and by next Christmas I will be able to take my kids out sledding without having to worry about the sled. So I will be posting my weight and all my information here. It may be embarrassing to see and share where I am at now, but I know I will feel better as I am able to share the good news as I go down. This will keep me honest as I face good days and days when I fall and need to be picked back up.

Well with that all said here I go with the hard part.. my starting weight. I was shocked when I saw it as I don't feel like I have become this big but I guess you miss things when you are not focused on yourself and I need to change that in part so that I can be here for my kids as they grow. So my starting weight is.... 319.5 pounds. I really wish with a number like that that we had a biggest loser here in Canada for me to try and go on as I am sure they would be able to help get my body unstuck. If anyone hears about it being done up here please let me know so I can try that out if this doesn't work.

Well I am off to spend sometime on our new Wii and get some exercise before I head to be. I love that I have this in the house to help out with my goals for the year. On the 20th I will be getting yet another Gym pass in hopes that this time works.

Wish me Luck