Day 26

I can't help but continue to feel sad today. It's not that today was bad or that I was over whelmed with anything. As a matter of fact it was a very relaxing day. There were no flower deliveries so I didn't have to rush off anywhere, Mike let me sleep in and even made me breakfast in bed but I just couldn't shake the blues. I ate without caring what I was eating or counting what it was worth until of course now when I decided that I couldn't let myself down like this just because I am feeling down. I just wish I could shake this feeling. Is it because Mike is going back to work on wednesday and the freedom he offered me while he was home this past year will be gone? Is it because my birthday is coming up, or that my baby turns one this month? Maybe it is that Ben turns 11 in 2 days and it makes me feel a little older? Maybe I am just missing my girlfriends back in Alberta, my best friends who have shared in most of my good and bad things but can't be here for this journey. Not that I don't have great friends here that I cherish with all my heart but sometimes you just need those friends around who have been there since it seems like the world began. Maybe it is all of it at once or none of it at the same time. I just can't settle it down which makes it harder to fix. How do you make yourself feel better when you are not sure why you feel bad to begin with?? Maybe I am just missing my Grandma who's birthday is the same day as Ben's and I just need to feel sad right now so that I can be happy when the 2nd rolls around. I think I will keep track of what I eat but I am not going to put too much pressure on myself during this time to make sure that I am perfect that was I can get back on track easier as I start to get better. I knew it would be hard when I went through tough times... I just need to focus on something positive right now and that will be the fact that I am keeping track and still writing here. Plus I have lost 13.1 pounds and that is great. I have a wonderful family with great kids and I will be okay. Yep I will be okay and I will keep reminding myself of that when it seems hopeless.